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.I had joined in because I wanted to protect Ash, because I couldn’t stand the thought of him getting hurt over me.Is that what love feels like? When you feel happy just to be around someone? When you know that something would always be missing without them? Somehow I know she’s right.Maybe I had always known and I had just been too scared to admit it to myself.My shoulders slump in defeat, and I let out a soft sigh that escapes into the night.“Dammit,” I whisper, causing Tia to frown because she doesn’t understand.I’ve broken my own rules.Because of my lapse in judgement, things have suddenly become a lot more complicated.In that horrible, horrible moment I have two epiphanies.Number one: I have to go back to my sisters because that’s where I belong.Number two: It’s going to hurt leaving him.A lot.“If you love him, then stay here,” Tia coaxes.“I can’t , and this never should have happened,” I murmur, more to myself than to her.And then that small screen of self control that I had valiantly been holding up finally falls, cracking and breaking and shattering.I start to run.I’m not sure where I’m running to, all I know is that if I just keep running maybe I can outrun this complicated mess I’ve created.Forget that.I go back home and leave Ash.This mess isn’t complicated, only painful.My footsteps echo loudly in my head and the grass slips by underneath me.I’ve failed.I even saw it coming and I still did nothing to stop it.If I had been more careful, if I had learned some self-control, then it would not be this hard.I would go back home, back to where I belong, and I would have my sisters back.Ash and I would still be friends, maybe phone each other occasionally, maybe email sometimes.I would not miss him, I would not think about him every day and I would not need him with me.Twilight.The darkness spreads and the trees whisper in the silence.I run faster.Chapter 18: Crash and Burn with youGlitter.Sparkle.Shine.Fall.Crash.Burn.Stars are pretty to look at for a little while, they shine, but in the end they always burn out.When did I start falling?I do not remember how long I run for.Maybe it is minutes or maybe it is hours.I have long since left Tia behind and the birds stopped chirping around the same time, I think.All that matters is that I feel free, running through the darkness towards nowhere.I enjoy the burning of my throat, the cool wind rippling past me like the touch of a luxurious silk.The fresh odour of soil and plants is an air freshener to me as I dart forwards, feeling the ground slide by and wishing that the earth really was a rectangle, so that I could just run off the edge at any moment.I keep running even when the darkness catches up, even when I know that I should stop.I have a talent for that; disregarding my own common sense.I run until my lungs blaze and my legs turn numb, trying not to think.‘Concentrate, don’t look back’ I mentally chant over and over again; a twisted, comforting mantra.‘Right, left, breathe, breathe.’ I try to remember when I had switched off auto-pilot.However by the time my legs eventually just give up, I have somehow found my way back to the oak tree and have collapsed under it, leaning back against the rough surface of the trunk.I sit there for a long time, breathing hard, my mind blank.And then I wait, wait for nothing to come as I stare up into the black canvas of the night.The stars sparkle, a small crescent moon suspended in the night as if it is hanging from puppet strings.I feel like snarling up at those stupid, twinkling balls of gas because I have never resented them more than I do in that moment.The stars are beautiful, the stars are never alone.But in the end they burn out and die just like us, destroying any planets that circle them.I think the stars are lucky.They will never have to crash and burn alone, there will always be something there to go out with them; maybe a planet, or maybe just a stray meteor.The stars will always be the centre of some sort of galaxy.They are important, they have a purpose.If only I could trade my existence with a star, maybe I would be worth something.A cold wind blows and I bring my knees up, wrapping my arms around them.And suddenly, for a millisecond, I imagine that it is not my own hands that are wrapped around myself to retain warmth.Just for a fifth of a moment, I imagine that two, large warm hands hold onto me instead and the warmth spreads inside me, but only for a moment.That is all I allow myself.I know that what I’m doing is wrong.I shouldn’t want him here with me, I shouldn’t love him.Is it love? Whatever it is, if I had stopped it sooner, leaving would not be so hard.I try my best not to think.When I cannot achieve that, I try to think about the cold wind or how pretty the grass looks at night.But my mind is conspiring against me, and eventually my thoughts wander to that dark period before I had run away, when nothing was worth it.I relied on the numbness to get me through each day, so naïve and oblivious to the world around me.I had not been living, I had only been existing [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]