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.’‘So you’re in darkness and you’re feeling alone?’‘… But you know, you get fooled because they are there in body, but not there in mind…’ I babbled.‘Someone is there with you, in body, but not in the mind?’ Dawn questioned.Who is that somebody? I asked myself.Sweet Jesus, I really do sound like a mental patient.Was it my dad? Was it Travis? Stumbling over my own thoughts, I remained silent for a moment.‘… And you end up trying everything – anything – to get that person back,’ I began welling up again.‘It’s okay, Tara.It’s okay.Stay with those feelings.’‘… But it’s all too little, too late!’ I barked back in anger.‘He took what he wanted out of life to cope and now the person they once were has gone… it fucking hurts.We consume things and then… they consume us.’ The grief and pain became so overwhelming I began to retch.‘Please… please help me.The pain… I can’t bear the pain.I miss him.I miss him so much.I failed.I failed.He didn’t want to be with me.’A tidal wave of emotions crashed into my whole being.I felt faint and unsteady.I felt sick.‘Dad… Travis,’ I mumbled in confusion.I shook my head… ‘I don’t know.’‘It was your dad or Travis?’ repeated Dawn, in a calming voice.‘I don't know… My dad went and died on me.He never even said goodbye.I looked after him as best I could - but he still left me after everything I did for him.‘You think it was your fault your dad died while you were looking after him?’‘I couldn’t stop him from drinking.I should have been there 24/7, but I was working so hard to keep a roof over our heads.’‘So, you couldn’t stop him drinking? So, it’s the child’s job to look after the adult is it? How does that make you feel?’‘Guilty,’ I whispered.‘Really, really guilty.’I buried my hands in my face as the feeling of guilt engulfed my mind.‘You feel guilty for putting a roof over your dad’s head and for doing your best as a daughter?’ Dawn pressed.‘I feel guilty about everything… I tried my best.He was an alcoholic.Then he got diagnosed with schizophrenia and didn’t take his medication.I didn’t know that he wasn’t taking it.So yes, I feel guilty.It was all my fault.’‘Your father chose not to take his medication and he chose to continue drinking - and this makes you feel guilty?’I nodded as the tears fell down my face and on to my lap, soaking into my clothing.‘How does that make you feel?’‘Like a failure… very lonely.’ I answered quietly.‘Tara, we’ve made some great progress today,’ said Dawn, sitting up in her chair and glancing at her watch, ‘our time has come to an end.’‘But… I haven’t even started on the other fecker who abandoned me!’ I stammered.‘And he’s gone for a child as a lover! … And I’m in the menopause.Me… in the menopause! I’m only in my feckin’ thirties!’‘This is good, Tara, would…’ began Dawn.‘What the feck is so good about that?’ I interrupted sharply, feeling my anger rising.‘All you’ve done is just repeat everything I’ve said… Feck it! Just get me my numbing pills.I’ve kept my end of the bargain.It is time for you to keep yours.’I stubbornly folded my arms, feeling angry that I’d done what was asked and they didn’t even given me what I wanted.‘Another appointment would be far more beneficial for you Tara,’ she said smiling and shaking her head at me.I made another stupid appointment, to shut them up.But I already knew I would cancel it.I arrived home distraught, empty-handed and pissed off.The slightest noise drove me insane.I ripped the phone, TV and radio out of their sockets and pulled down the blinds in every room of the house.I needed to get some more pills.Reluctantly, I switched my mobile back on, deciding to ask Siobhan for help,‘Hello?’ Siobhan answered, sounding surprised.‘Siobhan, it’s Tara.I need a favour [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]