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.They were alone.Roza lifted her eyes to the blue sky.The words went round in her head.All body.No mind.She drifted away from the pond to sit down on a wooden seat, and Ray paused at a slight distance, wary and undecided.‘Sit down,’ she said.‘Don’t look so worried.’He sat next to her, resting his folder on his knees.‘Last time we met you were the worried one.’‘I don’t care any more,’ Roza said.‘Today I just want to do what I like.’‘I had the idea I could mail you some questions.I don’t want to impose, make a problem for you.’‘You don’t need to post anything.Just ring me and we’ll meet.Any time.’He cleared his throat.‘Mrs Hallwright.Last time we met we discussed the reasons why it maybe wasn’t such a good idea for you to meet me.Do you remember?’Roza sighed.‘I don’t care about that.I’m too happy.’ She turned her face up and half-closed her eyes.‘When you look at the sky, do you see millions of particles, rising and falling in your eyes?’He laughed, exasperated.‘Christ,’ he said.He looked closely at her.‘Look up,’ she said.‘It’s so amazingly blue.What a beautiful sky.It’s like enamel.’He tipped back his cap and squinted up at the sky.They sat side by side, their feet stretched out.A breeze came down over the glasshouse roof and swarmed across the surface of the pond, breaking it into ripples.Roza said in a faraway voice, ‘I feel so good today.You know where I’d like to be? I’d like to be lying on the burning black sand far away.Lying on the sand under the sky, no one for miles, just the great desert of dunes.’ She glanced at him and said in a high voice, ‘It’s always a surprise to me who I like — and I like you.In fact I always liked you, or I wouldn’t have helped you.’ Her voice trailed off strangely.He’d straightened up and was staring, shaking his head.She said intently, ‘I’d like to be lying on a hot black dune, to be there and nowhere else.No mind, only body.To go back there, back where everything began, before everything was lost.’He put up his hands.‘Roza,’ he said.‘Mrs Hallwright.’‘To go back to what I lost.’‘Roza, what are you … ?’She gasped.‘No one knows what I lost.’She turned to him.Her eyes were desolate, the pupils large and black.She opened her mouth and screwed up her face in a silent howl; the words came out in a whispered scream, ‘Oh my God.’ She bent over, clutching her stomach.He grabbed her arm, aghast.‘You don’t know what I lost,’ she repeated.Agitated, she attempted to rise and he gripped her arm instinctively, trying to quell her.She looked at him.Tears spilled.‘I want to go back there.Back to the black sand and kill myself.’‘Roza, what the hell is this? What are you talking about? What have you lost?’She laughed, a strange, spiteful little chuckle.‘Your face.It’s hilarious.You should see the look on your face.I lost what’s most important.No, worse — I gave it away.I’m the living dead.’Ray looked around.The courtyard was still empty.He needed to get up and leave straight away, but what might she do, wander around the Domain, go off, mention his name? For a moment he was furious with the crazy bitch.He needed to control this, get them both somewhere private.She was looking at the pond with horror.The giant goldfish swam in slow circles, their scales gleaming dully in the murky water.She said in a faint voice, ‘There was a wall of silver.I was happy.It was so beautiful.But a black hole opened up, and I fell through.’Ray didn’t move.She said, ‘Ray, this is the crisis of my life.’A goldfish flashed its shining scales.Trails of bubbles.The flowers turning on the surface of the pond.She said, ‘I helped you.Will you help me?’‘What can I do?’‘We need to get out of here,’ she said.‘There’s a man standing behind the wire, and he’s looking straight at us.’He told her what to do.He looked into her eyes trying to gauge how much she was taking in.He looked into the parallel universe, there inside her eyes.She said, ‘I hate the geese.I don’t want to walk near the geese.’Ray pinched the bridge of his nose with two fingers.‘Sorry,’ she said.‘I’m so sorry.’His voice was strained.‘Go around the geese.’‘Oh God, Ray,’ she laughed, and then swayed.He caught her arm and thought, She can’t drive.So what are we going to do about her car? He thought for a second.‘Go around the geese, across the grass and I’ll pick you up on the road behind the hospital.’‘Okay.No.’ She wrung her hands.‘Can’t we walk together?’‘I’ll go and get the car, and you go over there and wait.Can you do that?’‘Yes.No.’He looked at her carefully.Her face had traces of tears, but suddenly, in the midst of her crisis, she was laughing.He thought about packing her off across the park, driving away, never having any contact again.He groaned.‘Right.Your crisis is my crisis,’ he said simply.‘We go to your car.I’ll drive you home.’The man behind the wire hadn’t moved.They walked together.Ray couldn’t see anyone following.They reached her car and he slid into the driver’s seat, pleased to note the tinted windows.‘You got a cellphone?’ he said.She nodded.She licked her lips.Her face was pasty.‘Ring your work and tell them you’re sick.’She rang and spoke to someone.Her voice was high, but her tone was light, almost natural.He thought about leaving her to drive herself.But what if she had an accident on the way home? If she drew attention to herself, injured herself, any inquiry might lead to him.Was this paranoid? But they had been seen together.He might be questioned, blamed, there could be scandal.Journalists would go crazy, make up stories.It was like being stuck in a web — every way he turned he was more tightly caught.She put her phone away and said, subdued, ‘I’m all right now.I’ll go home.’‘I don’t think you should drive,’ he said flatly.She raised her chin, giving him a challenging, antagonistic look.‘I’m a good driver.’He let out a short laugh.‘I’m sure you are.Under normal circumstances.’‘I don’t know what you mean,’ she said evasively.‘I’ve been upset, that’s all [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]