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.Chris stared at the bowls.“I was wondering, what made you buy new dishes? Your sister must have had dishes already and…” He looked up at Jay, but Jay wasn’t looking at him.He was busying himself with pouring the cereal, dumping it into their bowls in an atypically haphazard way.Milk followed, diving in with a belly flop and splashing over the sides.Way to squeeze the happiness from his ex’s heart that much more.“I’m sorry.I just—”Jay cut him off, but not unkindly.“No, it’s okay.” He grabbed a rag and swiped at the mess he’d made.Chris wished he could do the same.Groping for normalcy, Chris picked up his spoon and took a bite of cereal.Jay flitted around, wringing out the cloth, fetching juice, getting napkins.Routine things to do, but it was busywork all the same.When Jay did speak again, it came suddenly.“After Janice died,” Jay began, taking his seat, “I had trouble eating.I lost a lot of weight and became pretty sickly.It got worse when I moved in here.She was everywhere I turned, but I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of anything.I found I didn’t even want to use her forks or her plates or glasses.I would eat one meal a day.Usually something fast food that I could eat out of a bag.When Bill found out what was going on, he made me buy new dishes.He packed up all of her stuff and put it in his basement for me.” Jay stared at the bowls between them, or maybe he wasn’t looking at anything but simply remembering.“One day I’ll have him take them to the thrift store, but I’m not ready to let them go yet.”“I’m sorry,” Chris offered again.He didn’t know what it was like to lose someone he was that close to.For one black moment he thought of Jay and what it would feel like if something happened to him.No, he couldn’t think of that.He didn’t want to know that pain, even imagined.He had that much more sympathy for what Jay must have gone through.Jay slid his spoon around in his cereal as if searching for something hidden at the bottom.“It never stops hurting, but I can live a somewhat normal life now.I’ve come to love this house.Not just because she left it to me, but because I now feel like it’s mine too.This is my home.”“Don’t sell it,” Chris blurted in a voice a little too loud for breakfast conversation.Jay’s eyebrows rose briefly.“Well, I don’t want to.”Chris nodded, glad Jay still loved his home after dealing with invasions of privacy.“How has it been around here? Any unwanted graffiti?”“No, nothing.Things have been great.Quiet.”Chris smiled.“That’s really good.”They ate their cereal in quasi-comfortable silence until Chris finally asked, “Are you okay with me being here right now?”“I never hated you, you know.”“Is that an answer?”“I’d be lying if I didn’t say it was kind of strange and uncomfortable, but at the same time you’re just Chris, and I know you, and I enjoy being with you.But you know…”Chris nodded.“I know.” There wasn’t much left in his bowl except for a puddle of milk.Chris shoved the cereal in his mouth, despite his unhappy stomach, so he didn’t have to try to talk.He watched Jay taking a spoonful of cereal.It felt good to see such a simple act by someone he cared as much about as he did Jay.Just a beautiful guy eating his favorite breakfast out of an outlet-store bowl.Watching the sun rise couldn’t have made Chris feel as much emotion as Jay did then.“Jay, we have a lot to talk about, if you’re willing.”“I’m willing, but…” Jay stared into his bowl like a fortune-teller searching for the answer in tea leaves.“I don’t know if things will change between us.”“But you’ll give me a chance? I mean, you’ll listen?”Jay’s gaze rose to meet his.There was so much to read there: warmth, confusion, determination, trepidation.“We’ll talk and spend some time together, and at the end of it, you’ll owe me nothing,” Chris said.“And then we’ll be able to say we gave it everything, right?” Jay bit his lip, a gesture that had led to many emotionally intimate times together.Chris knew what he needed to do.It was what he’d needed to do all along but had been too fearful to follow through on.The realization was so strong there was no ignoring it.It nearly choked him with its urgency.No one in Chris’s life had ever touched him, mentally or physically, the way Jay had.Why would he ever want to let that go? Chris stood abruptly, causing everything on the table to wobble.I’ve been such a stupid man.“I have something I have to do.Will you wait for me, Jay?”Jay stood too, probably out of confusion more than anything.“Wait for you?”“Yes.In every sense of the word.” He grabbed the sides of Jay’s shoulders and squeezed him, unsure if he could pull off a hug yet.“I know I sound crazy, but if anyone had told me one day I’d be standing in the rain to check on some guy, I’d have told them that they were insane.But I am that guy who would stand in the rain, if the guy I’m doing it for is you.”Jay’s eyes shone bright and damp.“Chris…”“Wait for me.”Jay looked unsure.“I have to work today.”“Wait for me in every other way, then.” He didn’t know if Jay could follow what he was saying.Fear and love fought in Chris’s chest and poisoned him with the words of a madman.“Can I see you tonight?”“I’ll be home by six.”“Come to my place?”“I’ve never been before.”Chris sighed to himself.It seemed so silly now.“I’ll text you the address and directions.Okay?”Jay nodded.“Okay.”Again the urge to kiss him was nearly overpowering.Instead he ran his hands over Jay’s shoulders and up to his neck.He cradled him there and stroked his thumbs against Jay’s jawline.“My heart is beating so fast.”“Mine too.”“I’ll see you soon, okay?”Jay smiled, and it made everything okay, even if just for that moment.Chris smiled back and was still smiling as he settled into his car.He picked up his cell and hit the speed dial.He and Julian needed to talk.Chapter TenIt wasn’t until Chris drove halfway home that he realized he still wore Jay’s sweatpants.Julian couldn’t meet for a few hours anyway, so Chris had time to stop home and shower.By noon he was freshly dressed and sitting in Julian’s favorite bar.As far as bars went, it was quiet and upscale with mahogany tables, mood lightning, and jazz music murmuring in the background.It always made Chris want to order something like an old-fashioned instead of a beer, but a beer was what he ordered all the same.Julian had ordered a whiskey sour.He popped the cherry into his mouth and then asked, “So what’s the bad news you have for me?”“What makes you think I have bad news?” Chris wished he had a cherry to chew on so he could avoid this conversation.“Because we’re not talking in my office, and it’s no one’s birthday.”“Well, I’m sure it’s someone’s birthday.”“It’s not the birthday of anyone who’s footing this bill.” Julian sighed.“Why do I let you tease me into these ridiculous conversations?”“To help lighten the mood?”“If it’s lightened, why do I feel so aggravated?”“Because you haven’t had any of your cocktail yet.Drink up.”Julian grunted.“I always wanted to have one of those glass barware sets in my office the way they do on soap operas, but I was afraid my employees would get into it and show up for a client drunk.”“That could have been a real possibility.” Chris ran his fingers up the cold bottle of beer.It felt nice under his fingertips, soothing and grounding [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]