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.I thought about Lucy all the time.I thought about calling Lucy but every time I got up the nerve to pick up that stupid phone to call that stupid girl, the thought of the look on her face as she walked away from me stopped me.I’d blown smoke at her.I went over that moment a million times in my mind.I don’t know why I did it; I didn’t even want her to know I smoked.I had never disrespected someone like that before, especially someone who meant so much to me.And she had spat out “nice knowing you” so easily, like she’d been saying it every day of her life.That sweet, happy, gorgeous girl had dropped me without a thought.And I’d earned it.And even with all that, none of the stuff that had led up to it was solved.So now I got to add “heartbroken” to the list of my normal day.I wanted to apologize but I didn’t know how.To be fair, I gave it a lot of thought.I thought about apologizing about every five minutes.But no matter how much time I spent on it, I had no way of getting it right.“Hey, remember when I kissed that girl Rachel and then you came to find me and you were defending me against your ex-boyfriend, even after you’d found out what I’d done, then I blew cigarette smoke in your face? Yeah, sorry ‘bout that.We cool?”The more and more I went over it, I decided that the most honest apology would sound something like, “I am a complete idiot.I am scum that grows on scum and I hope to die a slow, painful death.” But that sounded a little too dramatic, even for me.As I wallowed in my giant pool of self-pity, Isaiah called me a few times.I never picked up.I wasn’t in the mood for Isaiah to tell me what I was thinking and what was actually going on.The exact, painful, central truth of the whole situation wasn’t really something I was ready for.I was having a hard enough time dealing with the one event at Laurel Lanes.What was nice, though, was that Isaiah’s messages all sounded the same.“Hey, David, just calling to make sure the Christians didn’t kill you for your lack of faith and bury you in the woods or anything.Call me back so I don’t have to avenge your death.”Johnny called too.Prompted by pure loneliness, I did pick his call up.He told me that Lucy was walking around school looking like her dog got run over by a truck.It had been a month since I’d gone to Kalispell or talked to anyone besides my grandma.Although not much had really changed from the previous month to this one, it felt lonelier than usual.I had always lived my life like this: waking up, going to school, try to stay under everyone’s radar, come home, do homework, eat dinner, and go to bed.Rinse, repeat.At school a nice looking girl with a sweet smile and perfect teeth approached me in math class and asked me to help her with something.I normally would have been painfully embarrassed and would have totally ruined any shot at helpfulness by stammering my way through ums and hums, but I didn’t feel intimidated at all.That girl wasn’t Lucy.She didn’t smell like her, look like her, talk like her; nothing about her made me feel anything, not even intimidated.It was like I had shut down to the idea of anyone else.After having had a taste of life with Lucy, a life that was filled with joy and a hint of love, my old “norm” seemed empty to a whole new degree.I missed Lucy’s laugh, her contagious smile, and her positive attitude toward life.I missed her confidence and her natural beauty that showed through her unkempt way of presenting herself.I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it was that made her and Rachel so different.Rachel had an outward beauty, like Lucy, but Rachel’s was like sugar-free candy.It seemed great but as soon as I tasted it I could tell it was artificial.I couldn’t help but think that spending too much time with Rachel might even cause cancer.The thing that bugged me the most was that Rachel, someone I didn’t know, didn’t care about, and didn’t ever want to ever see again, had been the cause of such a great chasm in my life.It would have been so easy to avoid if I had just paid attention to all the nagging warnings my brain was sending me about that beautiful ice princess.How had I let it happen? My jealousy.My frustration.My inability to communicate with Lucy.I’d let my hormones control my better judgment.Now me (and my hormones) were paying for it.My grandma was becoming increasingly irritated with my mood.She had started off being understanding, and then tried giving me some off-hand advice.Then she acted concerned.Now she was just frustrated.Her latest phrase was, “you better look up and answer me when I talk to you, boy.” I would raise my head long enough to answer whatever question she had for me, then go back to feeling sorry for myself.I knew it was bugging her, but I couldn’t shake it.It wasn’t like the feeling of being low was unknown to me; I had always been a bit of a downer.But I’d never felt this depressed.Normally, I could blame problems on other people, like my dad or someone like Mike, and that would eventually lift my mood.But this time it was all on me.I think it would have been a lot easier to get through all that if Lucy had just decided that we weren’t the right fit.But I’d blown it by doing something stupid, royally stupid.In a momentary fit of jealousy I made what was shaping up to be one of the worst mistakes of my life.By February, I hated Fridays because they meant the beginning of the weekend and that meant that there was nothing to take my mind of off being miserable.One rainy Friday I went home right after school, like I always did, closing the door quickly as I entered Grandma’s toasty house, careful to retain as much warm air as possible.I started peeling my heavy, hooded jacket off as I walked through the kitchen.I was trying to keep my face from getting wet; I didn’t want my eyeliner to smear.As I made my way into the living room, I saw my grandma sitting primly on the couch, hands folded, waiting for me.She wore a fierce look of determination.“Come sit down, David.I need to talk to you.” Her old eyes bored into me when she spoke.I didn’t respond at first, but stood there looking at her, debating on whether to rebel.I’d never really told Grandma “no.” After a fleeting moment, I gave up.I just sighed, put my backpack down on one of the little side carpets she had lining the room and walked over to sit next to her.She raised her eyebrows at me, waiting, and I spoke automatically.“Yes ma’am,” I answered her, even though I was already sitting down.Her eyes softened [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]