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.“He was screaming at Meriwether, his daughter who works there, and she was crying, and I thought he might actually even hit her, and I didn’t want to use magick to stop him—that would be wrong,” I put in virtuously, “so I lost it and shouted awful things at him and said he was ruining his life and that his own daughter was afraid of him.” I took a breath.“Then he yelled that I was fired and to get out and he never wanted to see me again.”Actually, I didn’t come off too badly there—defending the innocent, etc.And it was all true.I hadn’t captured the depth of the awfulness, or Meriwether’s shocked, pale face and the fact that in trying to hurt her dad I may have hurt her, too.But that was the gist.“Hmm,” River said.I couldn’t read the expression in her eyes.It wasn’t anger or condemnation or disappointment.“How awful,” said Anne, patting my back again.“But I have an idea about what might make you feel better.”“Ice cream?” Hope flared in my chest.“No,” she said, grinning.“A nice meditation session.We just have time before dinner.Join the four of us.” She gestured to herself, Amy, Rachel, and Daisuke, who had gathered in the hall while I was pouring out my story.Oh God, no, I thought.“An excellent idea!” said River, wearing the slight smirk that told me she knew exactly what I was thinking.“Go along now.I know you’ll feel much more centered afterward.”Anne started up the stairs, followed by the others, and I lingered, hoping River would say she was just kidding and what I really needed was a Scotch and a hot bath.She smiled and smoothed my snow-damp hair.“You really will feel better afterward,” she said softly.I sighed and headed up the stairs.They were insidious with their niceness.I hadn’t tried to meditate since my self-introspection flop on New Year’s Eve.This was the last thing I felt like doing.Would I ever be well enough to be able to say, No, thanks, no meditation for me right now? Surely I would get to a point where I wasn’t so obviously damaged that people wanted to fling me into meditation circles every time I turned around.Right?I breathed in and out.My washout day ebbed away from me.My stomach unknotted; my shoulders unhunched.This moment was serene and perf—Nastasya’s power is so amazingly strong.I worry—My spine straightened a little—who had thought that? It had already been pointed out how unusual it was that I could sometimes hear people’s thoughts during meditation.Apparently your run-of-the-mill immortal was not burdened with knowing what people thought about them.But who here was worried about me? Surely Anne, as the only teacher here.But maybe Rachel or Daisuke, both of whom were really advanced? I calmed my breathing and opened myself up to receive more.I should give away Shiro’s pot.This I recognized as Daisuke.His thought came to me in a flash: He had a small, beautiful bowl that his brother had made.His brother was dead, and this was the only thing that Daisuke had of his.He was agonizing about his need to divest himself of all belongings and his desire to keep a little part of his brother with him always.Should go home and see Mom soon…That was Rachel.I wondered where her mom was.I knew Rachel was originally from Mexico.I’m going to be all over Reyn like ugly on an ape.I almost choked on my spit and forced myself to swallow slowly.That would be Amy.She was facing her emotions.She was not refusing to deal with things.Because the thing she was dealing with was her intense desire to be a normal person with a hot guy jump on some stranger she didn’t even know.Nastasya, you are such a chickenshit.What? Who was that?! Oh, wait—it was me.What?You are such a chickenshit.You act so tough, but really you’re a gooey marshmallow of schoolgirl fears.You keep saying you want to get better, but only if you don’t have to do anything hard.What does that mean? I am working hard!No.Your “working hard” consists of not fighting everyone about everything.And that’s a start.But you have to do more than just not say no.What the eff?You have to be active, not passive.You can’t just storm away from Meriwether, from Dray, from Reyn.You can make things right.You, Nas, actually have to grow the hell up.At last.Well.I guess we’re just walking in the truth here.I was practically hyperventilating with anger [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]