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.I’d prefer it if we were at ease with each other, but I didn’t know if that would ever be a possibility again.“You give Cole a hard time today?” he asked out of the blue.Or maybe it wasn’t out of the blue.Of course he would expect me to do that.“No,” I replied cautiously, looking down at Pepper’s blissful expression as I gave her love.It was safer to look at her because I knew how she would react.I didn’t have the first clue where my brother wanted this conversation to go, but I had no intention of saying the wrong thing.I wanted every word out of my mouth to be right.There were enough things in this life that I regretted already, and I damn well wasn’t going to add to the list today.“I told him his secret’s safe with me as long as he wants it to be a secret.And I told him that if and when the time comes that he doesn’t want it to be a secret any longer, he could count on me to stand next to him.” Not behind him.Beside him, or maybe even in front of him if it came to that.The same as I would do for Shane.The same as I should have done for Garrett.I finally got the balls to look over at him.He was studying me, much as he’d done last night when I’d come upon him and Colesy.Staring hard.Trying to figure me out as much as I was trying to figure him out.“You gonna give me a hard time today?” he asked.Those same fucking tears from last night choked me.I swallowed before I spoke, but my voice still sounded strangled when I said, “No.”“How long have you known?”“Gran let it slip a few years back.She thought I knew,” I added.“She wouldn’t have said anything if she knew I was supposed to be in the dark.”“I didn’t want to keep it from you.I just—”“Scared I’d turn on you?”He shook his head.“Nah.I knew you never meant that shit.I just didn’t know how you’d react since you blamed yourself for Garrett.”“You blamed me, too,” I scoffed.“No, I didn’t.Never.” He was suddenly very sober, serious.“Mom and Dad don’t blame you, either, you know.They’re waiting for you to realize it wasn’t your fault.Waiting for you to be able to come home again.”“I come home every summer.”“You come to Nova Scotia every summer, but you never come by the house.You never call any of us.You keep to yourself and avoid anything to do with him—especially us.” He took a sip from his cup and carefully returned it to the table.“Look, I get it.It’s hard to go back there.It was two years before I could step foot inside that garage—”“I’m not afraid of a fucking garage.”“No, you’re afraid of what it’ll make you feel to go back there.But it’s time, Keith.You’ve spent too many years of your life trying to run from the past.”“I’m not running now.”“Maybe not.But you’ve still got your back turned to it.”“Which means I’m not hurting anyone.”“You’re fucking hurting yourself, Keith!” He stood up, pacing to the fireplace and back a few times.“And if you don’t knock that shit off soon, you’re going to hurt Brie, too.”I knew he’d been fishing for ways to use her or my relationship with her against me.I should have trusted my gut on that one.“Keep your nose out of things between me and Brie.Just stay the fuck away from her.”“I don’t have any intention of getting involved.If you’d calm down for a minute—”“I am calm,” I growled.“Bullshit.You look like you want to hit something.”“Maybe you.”“Hit me then, if that’ll make you feel better.”Hitting him wouldn’t make me feel better, though.Maybe letting him hit me would.“Just stay the fuck away from Brie,” I muttered.“Fine.” Shane crossed his arms, glaring at me.“No, not fine.Because I saw how you watched her last night and I’m not going to sit here and let you fuck that up like you’ve tried to fuck everything else in your life up.”“Screw you.”“You’re not my type, but that’s beside the point.”“So what is your fucking point, then?” I shouted.Pepper got off my lap and ran out of the room when I raised my voice, and both Dexter and Shadow followed her.Maybe it was better if they weren’t around.I didn’t want them to think they were in trouble, and I pretty much never raised my voice around them.“Would you get to it, already?”“The point is you’re my fucking brother and I fucking miss you, you ass,” he shouted in return.“I need you, and I’m sick and tired of fucking sitting around waiting for you to get over yourself and come home.We’ve been trying to give you your space and let you deal with your grief in your own way, but it’s been years and I can’t do it anymore.I need my fucking brother back, and you’re the only one I have left.”“You’ve been doing all right without me.”“Says who?” he scoffed.“Gran told you I’m gay, but I guess she forgot to mention that I’m bipolar, huh? Did she tell you I’m on all sorts of meds, and they’re the only thing that keeps me from pulling the same shit Garrett did?”“You’re bipolar?” I vaguely recalled Mom using that term to describe her depression years before.I had never noticed her problem much, other than a few times over the years when she would get really down for a while, or maybe she would have these crazy bursts of energy and she wouldn’t level out until she went back to the doctor and got her medications adjusted.“Same as Mom and Garrett,” Shane said.“I probably still wouldn’t know, if not for Mom insisting I go get checked out after Garrett died.She said she’d seen the signs in both of us for years, but she’d always told herself that it was all in her imagination, that it was only her own disease talking and trying to convince her she wasn’t alone in it all.”Not much of what he was saying sunk in for me.One thing kept repeating itself in my head over and over again, though: Garrett was probably bipolar.And undiagnosed.So he wouldn’t have been taking anything to help keep him straight, to keep everything level.“Did you hear me?” Shane demanded, pacing again.“Garrett was depressed.For a long time.”“Because of me,” I argued feebly, but the argument was getting old, even to me.“He knew you didn’t mean that shit, same as I did.You were our fucking brother.We knew you loved us.”“But I—”“You said a bunch of stupid things.I’m not going to deny that.” He plopped down next to me on the sofa.“Hell, I called him a pussy, too, and a lot more than that.We were kids.We were trying to be tough and cool, we acted like idiots, and we hurt each other.That’s what brothers do [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]