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.Okay?”He decided to be grateful she’d even pretended to ask for his approval, since obviously she was going to go ahead and pay for the renovation whether or not he liked the idea.“I probably can find some paper and pencils back at the house for you.”She glanced down at her dress.Made a face.“I think the house is a good place to start.”* * *Several hours later, Ella’s stomach rumbled and she realized it had to be close to dinner, although after that huge lunch she didn’t know how she could be hungry.She stood up ungracefully, her bottom almost numb from sitting so long on the bunkhouse floor.Dressed now in comfortable jeans, a violet shirt and a pair of runners, she felt more appropriately attired than she had in her fancy clothes.She had a pad of lined paper—all Austin could find—and she’d made several sketches with measurements of the way she wanted to redo the bunkroom.Once she’d worked that out, she’d fallen into a reverie about the different ways she could decorate the place.As she’d showered in the Hall, she’d wished that Austin would join her, but he hadn’t, and when she’d emerged he was all business.Disappointment had dogged her ever since, no matter how many times she told herself it was better this way.When she’d finally settled down to her task, at first her mind had gone to designer wallpaper and fabrics, but she’d discarded that idea almost immediately.She did have a solid amount of cash in her bank accounts and investments, but who knew when she would work again, and what kind of income she’d earn when she did.She had told herself she was through with acting, and she thought that was the truth, but she wasn’t sure what she’d do next.Once she’d stopped thinking about how the bunkhouse could look in a House & Garden spread, she allowed her thoughts to wander.She tried to conjure up images that appealed to her and soon she realized she wanted clean, simple lines, a country aesthetic, and the kind of built-in practicality one expected from a cottage.She added more bookshelves to her sketches of the living room, a couple of niches near the entry to the kitchen where vases of flowers could stand, and window seats with lots of storage under the two large windows.She played with the layout of the kitchen, adding more storage under the countertops and more cabinets above them.A built-in table and benches would allow for a better usage of the small room.When she was done, the cabin would look clean, bright and homey.There would be nothing stuck up about it.It would be restful and safe.She couldn’t wait.When her ideas had slowed, she’d doodled for a while, and then found herself writing a description of the cottage as she’d imagined it.From there her mind leapt to what her life could be, now that she was starting over.She scribbled down words that described what she wanted to feel: peace, happiness, belonging, community, usefulness.She moved on to the elements she thought could provide her those feelings: fresh air, movement, horses, children, Austin.Shoot.That wasn’t right.She hesitated, scratched a line through Austin and moved on determinedly.What careers could she try?Ranch hand?She snorted.Stable boy.No—girl.Riding teacher.Equine Therapist.It still seemed interesting, even if she was a bit fuzzy on what it entailed.Mother.She tapped her pen on the pad, ready to scratch that one out, too.She wanted to be a mother, but motherhood generally required a spouse, and her current spouse wasn’t of the long-term variety, unfortunately.Maybe when this was all over she’d check into adoption or artificial insemination.Ella blinked, realizing she’d written the word again—several times.Mother, mother, mother.Had she pushed aside that particular dream for so long that she no longer recognized how much she wanted it? At first, as an actress, she’d been too busy and too body-conscious to think about settling down and having kids.Then when she met Anthony she had to give up the notion altogether.He couldn’t stand children and made it clear from day one that she couldn’t have them and him at the same time.She’d chosen him.What a stupid mistake.She sat back and tried to picture what it might be like to have a child or two now.Or three.The images came easily—little faces shining up at her.Little arms reaching up to be held [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]