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.and the carts started up again, pulled away.and the creatures beat their blue servants out of sight.In front of him, they wailed and beat themselves, trying to atone for their cruelty.Beyond him, they resumed their lives.It did not take him long to understand.I'm their conscience.You were the last they could find, and they took you, and now you hang up here and pillory them and they beat their breasts and wail mea culpa, mea maxima culpa, and they purge themselves; then they go on as before.Ineffectual.Totem.Clown, I'm a clown.But they had selected well.He could do no other.As he had always been a silent voice, screaming words that needed to be screamed, but never heard, so he was still a silent voice.Day after day they came below him, and wailed their guilt; and having done it, were free to go on.The deep yellow light, do you know what it did to you?Yes.Do you know how long you'll live, how long you'll tell them what filth they are, how long you'll sway here in this cage?Yes.But you'll still do it.Yes.Why? Do you like being pointless?It isn't pointless.Why not, you said it was.Why?Because if I do it forever, maybe at the end of forever they'll let me die.(The Black-headed Gonolek is the most predatory of the African bush shrikes.Ornithologically, the vanga-shrikes occupy somewhat the same position among the passerines that the hawks and owls do among the nonpasserines.Because they impale their prey on thorns, they have earned the ruthless name “butcherbird.” Like many predators, shrikes often kill more than they can eat, and when opportunity presents itself seem to kill for the joy of killing.)All was golden light and awareness.(It is not uncommon to find a thorn tree or barbed-wire fence decorated with a dozen or more grasshoppers, locusts, mice or small birds.That the shrike establish such larders in times of plenty against future need has been questioned.They often fail to return, and the carcasses slowly shrivel or rot.)Joe Bob Hickey, prey of his world, impaled on a thorn of light by the shrike, and brother to the shrike himself.(Most bush shrikes have loud, melodious voices and reveal their presence by distinctive calls.)He turned back to the street, putting the bullhorn to his mouth and, alone as always, he screamed, “Jefferson said-”From the golden street came the sounds of insect wailing.Los Angeles, California/1971EROTOPHOBIAIt began with my mother, Nate Kleiser said, hating every word of it.The ignominy of it, oh.Not only here in a psychiatrist's office, not only lying on a forest green Naugahyde chaise, not only suffering every literate man's embarrassment at speaking lines Roth had portnoyzed into the ground, but to be speaking those lines to a female shrink, to be speaking them with choked-up emotion, to have started with mother…Do you play with yourself much? asked Herr Doktor Felicia Bremmer, graduate of the Spitzbergen Kopfschmerzenklinik, 38-21-35.I don't have to, Doctor, that's the trouble, Nate said.His head was beginning to ache, just behind the right eye.He heard the fingers of his left hand, quite independent of the directions of his brain, scrabbling at the forest green Naugahyde.Perhaps you'd better go over that part again, Mr.Kleiser, Dr.Bremmer urged him.I'm not entirely sure I have the problem.Okay, look, it's like this, for instance.He tried to sit up and she placed a soft, but firm hand on his chest and he lay still.Your reputation for handling uh, well, sex-oriented problems like mine is widespread, right? Right.So I get on a plane in Toronto, and I fly down here to Chicago to see you.So on the plane there're these two stewardesses, nice girls, and first this one, Chrissy Something, she offers me pillows and little bootie-socks, and then her partner, Jora Lee, she brings me a big glass of champagne-before anybody else gets served anything-and when she leans down to put it on the tray-table, she bites me on the ear.So in about ten minutes the two of them are fighting over me in the galley, and everybody's pushing those service buttons to call the stewardesses, and they aren't coming out of there except every few minutes to ask me do I like my steak well-done or rare, or offering me little cocktail mints…it really gets embarrassing.And it goes on like that an through the damned flight, and they're just about on the verge of using those demonstration oxygen masks with the plastic air hoses to strangle one another, just to see which one will layover with me in Chicago, and I don't think I'm going to get off the goddam plane in one piece, when we come in to land and they still haven't served anybody, and the whole plane wants to kill me except they love me too much, and I know I'm going to have to fight my way down the ramp, and the only thing that saved me was a little black kid who was with his mother-who kept winking at me-puked an over the seat and the aisle and everything else, and I slipped past while they were trying to pour coffee grounds on it to kill the smell, and I got away.Dr.Bremmer shook her head slowly.That's just terrible.Terrible.Terrible? Hell, it's frightening.If you want to know the simple truth, Doctor, I'm scared out of my mind I'm going to be loved to death!Well…Dr.Bremmer said.Isn't that a bit, just a bit overdramatic?What are you doing, Doctor?Nothing, Mr.Kleiser, not a thing.Just concentrate on the problem.Concentrate? You've got to be kidding, Doctor; I can't think of anything else/ Thank God I make my living as a cartoonist.I can mail my work in; if I had to actually go out and mix with people, it'd be an over for me in ten minutes.I think you may be overstating, Mr.Kleiser.Sure, easy enough for you to say, you aren't me.But it's been like this since I was a kid.I was always the most popular one in the class, the first one picked at dances when it was ladies' choice, the one both teams wanted when we played choose-up baseball or red rover, most likely to succeed, straight A's the teachers all wanted my body…In college, added Dr.Bremmer.College, hell : in kindergarten/ I'm the only male I know who was forcibly raped in a girl's locker room before he was out of the fourth grade! You just don't understand, dammit! I'm going to be loved…to…death!Dr.Bremmer tried to quiet him.Nate's voice had grown frantic, strident.Fear of being watched, of people wanting to hurt you, even in extreme cases of advanced paranoia-people plotting to kill you…yes, that problem I know quite well, Mr.Kleiser.Paranoia.It's terribly common, particularly these days.But what you're telling me, well, that's something different, something exactly opposite.I've never encountered it.I wouldn't even know what to call it.Nate closed his eyes.Neither do I, he said.Perhaps Erotophobia, fear of being loved, she said.Dynamite.Now we have a name for it.A lot of good that does me.Nomenclature isn't my problem, sex is!Mr.Kleiser, she said softly, you can't expect results instantaneously.You'll have to cooperate with me.Cooperate? Hell, I shouldn't even be lying on this sofa with you!Now, please, take it easy, Mr.Kleiser.What are you doing?Nothing.You're unbuttoning your blouse.I can hear the fabric.I know that sound!Nate sat straight up on the sofa, throwing the psychiatrist's leg off his lower body.She was half undressed; had, in fact, cleverly managed to rid herself of miniskirt, half-slip, shoes, panty hose and bikini briefs without his knowing it.Nate knew instantly that he had met a master of the art.In a pitched panic he bolted from the forest green Naugahyde chaise, and lurched toward the door.Dr.Bremmer hurled herself sidewise, hanging half off the chaise [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]