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.Nissan, I hear, are working on a car with two heated windscreens.Clarkson on CarsFormula One Racing – as Dull as EverThey don’t televise inter-county basket weaving.They don’t charge spectators £70 for the privilege of watching sheep-dog trials.And when someone wins a beetle drive, the results aren’t disputed by laboratory technicians.But in Formula One, they do all of these things even though it has become, with the exception of cricket and golf, by far and away the most tedious spectacle in the world.I’ve made half-hearted declarations before, about not watching F1 any more, but Brazil was the final straw.Damon Hill promised, just before the start, that we were in for one of the most exciting championships in years.Then, a couple of hours later, Murray Walker admitted that the only thing keeping the race alive was the fuel stops.Well, now look Murray, you are the best sports commentator I’ve ever heard, but you must admit that there are more exciting things to do on a Sunday than watching cars being filled up with petrol, some of which wasn’t really petrol at all, we later discovered.If I want to watch people refuelling, I can pop down to the local Texaco station.Hell, I can even do it myself, but as I screech up to the pump and stand there watching the numbers click round, there are no crowds, and BBC Sport doesn’t pay my agent billions for the exclusive rights.This is because filling up with petrol falls into the category of things labelled ‘Not Interesting’.Indeed, it’s hard to think of anything that is less interesting.Ironing springs to mind but even duller than that is what happens in a Formula One race between the fuel stops.Nothing happens, that’s what.In the televised highlights from Brazil, there wasn’t a single overtaking manoeuvre, except when the car in front broke down.And mechanical failure isn’t interesting either.I ran out of petrol the other day and for damn sure, no one gave a toss.The tabloid newspapers have realised that the only interest in Formula One is the Damon Hill versus Michael Shoemaker battle, which is a thinly disguised rerun of World War Two.Only we won that.And anyway, if I want to watch Britain giving the Germans a good pasting, I’ll go down to the video shop and rent The Dambusters.So look; if you want to see good car racing, forget F1.Switch off in droves and turn your attention instead to the British Touring Car Championship where the lead will change more times in one lap than it does in a whole year of Grand Prix.You can bang door handles in the BTCC and push the car in front round a corner, in the fairly certain knowledge that the result won’t be a black flag, a spin, or death and manglement.In Brazil, Mr Shoemaker was so much faster than everyone else, he very nearly lapped himself.In the BTCC, you win by inches, not light years.And another thing.I’ve been going to Grand Prix for years and I never, ever see a driver.They hang around in their motorhomes nibbling a little light pasta and sipping an isotonic drink until just before the off.And then at the end, they’re on a helicopter halfway back to Monaco before you’re out of the car park.BTCC drivers are forced by the rules to mingle with the paying punters in the paddock on race day.They must sign autographs and they must do a parade lap, and if they refuse, they’re fined.This means everyone has a chance to meet the stars and form opinions.If Patrick Watts or Paul Radisch says something nice to your wide-eyed son, you can cheer the guy on in the race.Or you can form opinions based solely on the cars they drive.My wife has a Volvo and desperately wants them to win this year.I’m not that bothered just so long as the BMWs lose.All around Europe, other countries are copying the BTCC and all around the world, television companies are buying the rights to broadcast it.And that gives the car companies, who’ve only paid a paltry 5 million to be on the grid, a nice warm feeling in their underpants.And on top of all this, the major tittle-tattle dominating the run up to the F1 season was the size of Nigel Mansell’s arse.In the BTCC, people have had a weightier problem – like who’s going to win.Clarkson on CarsCan You Really Own a Lotus?In Britain, Lotus is a bit of a joke.To those who have actually owned one, it stands for Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious, while to those who pay little attention, it’s a Formula One racing team that doesn’t win very often.And then there’s the corporate side of things.Founded by Colin Chapman in 1948 with a tarted-up Austin Seven, it struggled along for 40 years, becoming embroiled in the De Lorean fiasco and emerging as a corporate plaything for General Motors.But last month, faced with a need to do something about its huge losses, GM paid off Lotus’s debts and sold the whole shooting match, except the race team, which is now independent, to Bugatti.This, in itself, is odd because though Bugatti has a huge and ultra-modern factory, along with grand and ambitious plans, it has, so far, not made very many cars: perfume, head scarves and models, yes, but cars? No.Geographically, Lotus has always been disadvantaged too.We can understand that cars are made in Detroit because this is Motown and we know about Essex and Coventry and Birmingham but it is hard to equate Norfolk with motor-car manufacturing.Lotus has become world famous for its technology, its work on anti-sound and active ride suspension is well documented and state of the art, yet this seems at odds with Norfolk, just about the only county in England with no motorways in it.You expect to see a lot of agriculture in Norfolk, a lot of turkeys too, but for heaven’s sake, the garages don’t even take credit cards.No, in Britain, Lotus is a bit of a joke.And, in recent years, the cars haven’t helped either.There was the Elan, lovely to drive but blessed with the reliability of British Rail.Then there was the Elite, lovely to drive but odd-looking.The Excel was lovely to drive too but it was unreliable and over bumps, it had a habit of banging the driver’s head into the roof.Then there was the best Lotus of them all, the Seven, as driven by Patrick McGoohan in The Prisoner.But Lotus sold this design to Caterham Cars who last year sold 550 of them, earned a Queen’s Award and can now boast that they make more cars than the company to which they owe their existence.In 1990, it looked like Lotus would make a decent car in the new Elan, but it proved too expensive and unreliable, so GM pulled the plug on it.There’s talk now that Bugatti wants to start making it again, but don’t hold your breath
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