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.But I couldn’t stop myself from writing this, because of one thing she wrote:“He screws like he’s jackhammering a sidewalk.I faked orgasm to get him to stop.”I don’t have any beef with her description of me in bed.I would prefer the phrasing “dominant and aggressive,” but whatever; you can call me a jackhammer, the difference is semantics.The thing that pissed me off is that she said she faked an orgasm to get me to stop.I mean honey, really? Did you think I was paying the LEAST bit of attention to you or your “orgasm”? You know why I stopped? Because I came.That’s always when I stop.I couldn’t tell your orgasm from pixie dust, I don’t even know if either are real, and neither would make me stop if I wasn’t done, that’s for sure.Courtney, I know you’re only 21, so that explains a lot, but baby, please understand: We all reap what we sow.Just like I have to be OK with the women who come to fuck me Twittering about it or writing about it for millions to read, you need to be OK with me not caring for or considering you in bed.I’m sure there are a lot of guys who will be sweet and gentle with you in bed and really pay attention to your needs, but the guys you come out to sport fuck probably won’t be among them.And for the record, two things she said I want to confirm as true:1.I absolutely baby-talk my dog, Murph, and I am not ashamed to admit it.I love that goofy mutt, and she likes it when I baby-talk her and I don’t care who knows.2.She wasn’t lying when she said I told her I wanted to eventually settle down and have kids.I do.Maybe not now, but soon enough that I think about it now.Of course, traveling around the country fucking all kinds of college girls who throw themselves at me probably doesn’t help accomplish this goal.Eh, what can you do?Still single, ladies: tuckermax@gmail.comTEXTS FROM TUCKER MAX’S NIGHTI am a fan of the website Texts From Last Night, so much so that their book is one of only three I have given a blurb to.In thanks, Lauren Leto (the girl who started the site) sent me a selection of the funniest “I fucked Tucker Max” submissions they have received but not published:From: Lauren LetoTo: Tucker MaxDate: Mon, Dec 7, 2009Subject: Tucker Max TextsFrom our back end, a selection of just a few of the best.Impressive diversity of area codes, btw:(301): i had sex with tucker max last night… my life is complete(404): Last night I fucked Tucker max(323): OMG… I think Tucker Max fucked me last night!(301): i just fucked tucker max(864): new life goal: to NOT fuck Tucker Max(919): i just slept with tucker max.we’re over.(919): I’m fucking Tucker Max(1-919): Really?(919): Yep.Kayla and I are going to his hotel.Bahahaha(860): my friend fucked tucker max!(714): You fuck an asian from West Covina, I fuck Tucker Max.I win!(469): My new goal in life is to be a “Tucker max” story…(505): So I banged out a girl last night who slept with Tucker Max.WIN!(513): I just hugged my friend that was with tucker max last night… im spending the night in the hospital.fuck.(303): I just banged a chick that fucked Tucker Max.If my dick falls off I’m gonna be pissed!!(443): remember when jo was screaming about how much she hated tucker max last week? she’s making out with him at the bar.CALL ME.(724): Tucker Max just asked me if my cleavage was going to the bar tonight… Over the microphone in front of everyone(803): let’s stalk tucker max’s bus.I feel like there was a connection there last night(1-803): um.Maybe I missed that? Connection? He was calling girls out about lawnmower hair and throwing rocks at dead hookers.I saw no “connections”(803): he totally looked up my skirt.In Tucker, that means, you + me = true love.behind the bus!! LETS GO FOLLOW THE BUS!(949): Tucker Max called me a stripper.Life is now complete.(440): Tucker Max just gave me his number.(330): This is the one time I will allow cheating—but get pics.(410): In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field(804): Red flag Red flag Red flag Red flag Red flag Red flag—the flag is RED broTHE HANDPRINT STORYOccurred—September 2009This also happened on the movie premiere tour, but in Philadelphia, with a different girl.First up is my write-up, then her article about sleeping with me, which was published in a UPenn student newspaper.Part 1: The Handprint StoryWe had half an hour to kill in Philly, and this one girl on the bus who had been giving “fuck me” eyes for hours, said:Girl “You have a half hour? I live right across the street.”Tucker “No need to be subtle with me, let’s go.”We got in the elevator, I grabbed her and started kissing her, and I put my hand in her crotch, and before I knew it I was knuckle deep inside of her.Very nice.This one came to play ball.She told me she wanted me to tie her up, pull her hair, all of the standard BDSM stuff that some girls are into.OK, not really my game, but I can be physical if the girl is really into that.I threw the Cumfy Cuffs on her and got to work.I have been with a good number of girls, I basically know my way around the vagina, and let me tell you: This girl was dirty in bed.And I mean that in the BEST possible way.I flipped her over to finish (I like finishing from behind), and right as I was about to cum I decided to put an exclamation point on it by laying a slap on her ass that would make Ike Turner proud.She squealed, so I laid another one on her and finished.As I stood there sweating and putting my clothes on, my only regret was that I had to leave to get on the bus.I fucked that girl pretty hard, but I was nowhere near her limits.But she wasn’t done.DirtyGirl “I want you to sign it.”Tucker “Sign what?”DirtyGirl “Sign the handprints on my ass.”Tucker “For real?”DirtyGirl “Yes.I’ve wanted to fuck you since I was 16, I want proof of this.”So I did it.And I took a picture, a picture she liked so much she told me to post it on my blog:Part 2: I Did It with Tucker Maxby Anonymous (but it is the girl from above; she emailed me about this story before it was printed)Reprinted from Pennetration, Edition 2, February 2010Let me preface this with: Tucker Max is the fucking man.I could try to describe his greatness, but I’d prefer to use his own words.As Tucker writes in the introduction to his website, “I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead.”I’ve always sort of fancied myself the female equivalent of Tucker Max.He has unquestionably been one of my biggest influences, in both my personal conduct and my writing style.When I was a sophomore in high school, one of my male friends introduced me to the Tucker Max website [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]