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.Well, hardly any.”188Claudia Carroll“Then how on earth do you communicate with him?”“Oh, I don’t.We just have fantastic sex, and I can assure you, Mrs.Egan, his vocabulary when he’s shagging me is surprisingly adequate.”Rachel, I should point out, is the only one of us who was ever remotely able to handle Mrs.Egan, who just stares furiously ahead, with a face that would stop a clock.“I didn’t know she was bringing a date,” Jamie hisses at me, really pissed off, “did you know she was bringing a date? Great, now I’m the only one here with no date.Jamie Heaven.”“She never told me she was bringing anyone either.He’s very good-looking, isn’t he?”“He’s all right.Look at the state of her, though.All she’s short of is a bike, a stripy T-shirt, and a string of onions around her neck singing ‘Frères Jacques.’ And he doesn’t speak English, gimme a break.Does he come with subti-tles?”“Don’t get narky, you can hang out with me and Simon afterward if you want.”“Mr.Intense? Thanks, but I’d rather chew tinfoil.”“Stop having a go.What is wrong with him, anyway?He’s about to model in a fashion show, don’t you think that’s really cool?”“You have to stop using the word cool when you’re talking about Mr.Intense.He is, without a doubt, the uncoolest person in the whole of UCD, and that’s really saying something.”“Jamie, umm.let me see, how can I put this—SHUTUP.”On cue, the house lights are dimmed, and the show starts.Kraftwerk’s song “The Model” plays, and out comes Caro-Remind Me Again Why I Need a Man�189line, striding down the catwalk as to the manner born.She’s modeling a tartan suit with big shoulder pads and a micro-mini, with her hair all backcombed and a black Alice band holding it in place.The lyrics of the song really seem to suit her too; certainly the line about her being a model and she’s looking good.I glance back at Mike, who’s beaming up at her, trans-fi xed.“Isn’t she stunning?” I say to no one in particular.“Oh, don’t be so ridiculous, Amelia,” snaps Mrs.Egan, patting her helmet hair.“She looks like a Ukrainian prosti-tute.I would blush to be seen with her in public dressed in that outrageous getup.”Then the lads come on, led by Mr.Intense—sorry, I mean, Simon, my fella of, oh.going on six months now.We met after an L and H (literary and historical society) debate that I was speaking in.He came up to me afterward and started giving me tips on how I could improve my debating skills, right down to some vocal exercises he recommended for me, which I though was just so.sweet of him.You know, considerate and thoughtful.And not a bit controlling at all, in spite of what Jamie said at the time.I really hate that the others all call him Mr.Intense.Tonight, he’s wearing tartan too, baggy tartan pants and a yellow matching tartan waistcoat, worn over a bare chest.I wave at him, and I’m sure he sees me, as I’m in the front row, but he ignores me and keeps that modelly admire-me-from-a-distance-but-if-you-come-near-me-I’ll-kick-your-teeth-in, smoldering glare he has going on.“Doesn’t he look cute?” I say to Jamie.“Cute? Constipated, more like.”190Claudia Carroll“Okay, he may not be your favorite person, but you have to admit he is bloody gorgeous looking.”“Yes, I’m sure his smile brings dead puppies back to life.”“Your jealousy is very transparent.You’d love to be up there, strutting your stuff, admit it.What have you got against Simon anyway?”“Hmmm, let me see.He’s weird, he’s conceited, he’s up-his-own-arse, and he’s obsessive.But apart from that, I’m sure he’s an absolute sweetheart.”“Lay off, Jamie.You’re only saying that because he rearranged all the clothes in my wardrobe.I wouldn’t mind, but I only told you that story because I thought you’d get a laugh out of it.”“And?”“He can only fall asleep if he’s facing due east.Perfectly normal behavior.”“And?”“And he color-codes the towels in his bathroom.”“Which have to—?”I sigh [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]