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.Pretending to be something I'm not, doing the assertive act so they'll stay off my back.The stuff I learned from books, not them, I might add."She met his eye."And believe me, I'm not like this in any kind of reaction to my mother and her feminism.The two aren't related.I used to wonder about that.But it's not so.”“The thought never crossed my mind." Maia smiled."No, I guess not.”“Would you ever tell her the truth?""God, no!" The shock on her face slowly receded, leaving a wry smile in its wake."Gays and lesbians don't know what a closet is, compared with us.""You'd tell her if you were lesbian?""Sure.No problem.But this? Not in a million years.She'd never accept it." She squeezed her eyes tight for a second, as if to shut the thought away, then opened them again."Would yours?"He shrugged."Don't know.Not without a lot of work.And why would I bother? They're not about to walk in on us, or participate in our lives.I don't need their approval." The waiter took their plates away and offered dessert menus and coffee.Anders ordered cheesecake; Maia mimed being full but conceded to a little crème brulée.When the waiter was gone, Anders leaned in on his elbows."What about you? Do you accept it?"What came out of her was a short, rueful laugh, but for a long moment she didn't speak."Yes," she said at last.The table held her eyes for a while, and then she looked up at his face."I am what I am."A twist of a smile."Me, too.""Inside myself, for a long time it's been – right.I don't know why; it just is.But in comparison with the rest of the world, you know, it's harder.Not to 44As She’s Told – Anneke Jacobthink of oneself as a disgusting object."He shook his head."Rest assured…." She smiled.Anders ran his eyes over the woman across the table, over the fine contours of cheek and eyebrow, the slender shoulders.So small, and even smaller in that she was self-effacing.He could easily imagine her disappearing from everyone's notice, despite her looks."Maia.What was it like, moving all the time when you were a kid?"She raised her eyebrows, then looked resigned."Oh.Well.Sometimes it was hard.I didn't exactly come up to expectations on making new friends.""Whose expectations?""My mother's.She was always trying to push me out the door."Resentment flickered."Expecting me to be the centre of the crowd like my sister.When I'd rather have been sitting on my bed with a book." Maia began turning the salt shaker round and round in a very small circle."I was safer with the teachers than the kids, actually.Authority figures." There was a wry flicker of a smile, one corner only."I suppose I sucked up.I was smart.Teacher's pet.Which was a bit of a liability in the long run, with the other kids.”“You said you did their homework.""Here and there.Sometimes more than I did my own.Some of the kids could act like authority figures too, you know.""I'll bet.""But actually I didn't mind helping them out.It felt like an okay thing to do.Even if it was a bit exploitive on their part."Anders put cream in his coffee and stirred."Wasn't it a little hard on you?""A little," she agreed."What are you asking?" She sipped some tea and gave him a long look over the rim."Am I submissive because I got beat up at school?" She put the cup down."No.No one picked on me particularly.I'm good at being inconspicuous.I wasn't exactly popular, but I wasn't abused.Not at home either.No secret trauma.And I've had submissive fantasies as long as I can remember." She gave a little snort, and shook her head."'Fantasy;' what a word.It makes it sound lightweight and fanciful, tra la la.Not the – what can I call it? It felt huge, heavy, rich; a dark kind of weight.An intense secret life."She lowered her eyebrows at him, her face faintly challenging."Are you 45As She’s Told – Anneke Jacobasking if I'm like this because I've got low self-esteem? Not that either.I may not be the most confident person in the world, but in my own way I'm all right.""Well said." His eyes were warm."Hey, what about you?" she asked suddenly."What about me what?""You moved, too.To a different country, a different language even.That couldn't have been easy.""I guess." Anders leaned back in his seat and stretched out long legs beneath the table."But I thought of it as an adventure; I know it's hokey, but it's true.My English wasn't bad, and using it in school was a bit like a game, a puzzle.Something like driving when you're only just learning how.Clutch, gas, turn the wheel….Svend had a harder time; he wasn't so far along in English.”“So you fit in right away?""More or less.Well, I was taller than everyone else.I didn't exactly blend in with the crowd.No hiding for me.We lived right downtown; Bellevue Park, you know it? Behind Kensington Market.My parents couldn't stand the suburbs, and the ethnicities were mostly Asian or southern European; a lot of short, dark kids.I was the guy at the back who looked like he was in the wrong class.A broomstick.Skinny as hell.That was my nickname for a while.”“Broomstick?""Yeah, or Broom.See, my hair when it's short kind of sticks up…." He ran his fingers through his hair from below, and sure enough, for a few seconds it defied gravity, a haystack gone wild."It's bit long for it at the moment." He brushed it back down.She reached over to smooth the remaining stragglers, and he kissed the inside of her wrist."But I take it you didn't get left out or picked on," she said."Why do you say that?""Just a feeling."He looked at her curiously."Well, you're right.Apart from some jokes.Though I suppose I could have been.I don't know.Mockery, or that macho challenge thing that boys do, they're easy enough to deal with.So when it came up I dealt with it.For myself or anyone else I thought was getting it 46As She’s Told – Anneke Jacobrough."She smiled broadly."You protected the weak, did you? My superman?"You betcha." The waiter topped up his coffee, and Anders stirred in more cream, watching it swirl and vanish."Tried to, anyway." She gave an enquiring look, but he left it at that."So – my information management girl," he said, "you want to give freely, find people what they need, serve them with facts.""Yes." He rested his eyes on her, and her face shifted."Okay.I know.It's the same – I want to do the same for you.""Give me what I need?"She nodded."I think you will."They sat quietly, looking out.It was full dark now: streetlights, headlights and neon signs reflecting on wet asphalt.Cars and crowds [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]